It has been months now. The sadness does not get to me often anymore.
It did today.
Today I missed Emerson and Bennett. The boys we thought we were adopting, not the boys we protected.
The boys we thought we were adopting, our sons, probably would have loved today. It was not a holiday celebration or any event I would have predicted could be tough…and thus prepared myself. It was a photo shoot. Some extended family is in town and I served as momma’s photo assistant. I was setting up, holding reflectors, running around with backgrounds, assembling and disassembling electronic equipment.
Grief formed this weird walnut-sized knot in the back of my throat.
I think Bennett and Emerson would have loved this. Laughter and talking and helping…for whatever reason, I could imagine them there. It would have been sweet. It would have been good.
I did not break down or feel sorry for myself. I had a wonderful time enjoying our extended family. And the photos turned out beautifully.
Driving to the dry cleaner afterwards, two tears slipped by my defenses. You see, most of the time I am okay now.
Sometimes the reality of our loss surfaces…unexpectedly.