We all know about the stages a person must go through. We all know it is process toward healing. We all know there are no shortcuts. But why don’t we talk about grief? Not about the technical, psychological process, but about the actual experience? Why don’t we talk about what it feels like to be in the grief? Honestly, if my brilliantly wise mother was not living in the same house as me, coaching me through…I would have thought I was losing my mind. I had never been through a loss like this. And I had not read about anyone else’s experience.
So what keeps us from talking about grief? I have a theory.
We feel bad for feeling bad.
“Feeling bad” is the grief. We feel bad for grieving. The “feel bad” though, that is shame. We are ashamed of our grieving. Shame is powerful and it is a powerful weapon the Enemy uses against sons and daughters of the Most High.
In When Godly People Do Ungodly Things Beth Moore writes, “Shame is Satan’s game.”
Isn’t that the truth?!?!
In an effort to continue as a transparent sojourner…
The first wave of shock was back in September. In the days after we found out our adoption might involve fraud, the grief hit me hard. It lasted for several months, but looking back I can feel those first emotions like they were yesterday. For me grief had a very specific sensation. I told my mom, “I feel like I weigh 412 pounds”. The feeling of grief was a huge heaviness. It sat on me. Or rather, it sat inside me. Walking and moving became difficult. At one point I was out on an errand with my mom and felt the sadness push me down. I slid low in the leather seat, tears spilling. I did not know if I was going to survive the intensity.
Do not be shamed, friends.